If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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