Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
