The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
