I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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