I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
