Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
