Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
