Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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