I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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