Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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