he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
