Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
