so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
