Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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