I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
