dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
