last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
