We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I am one with the molecules
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
