Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
