I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
