I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
