im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
