Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
