I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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