thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
false alarm. still invincible.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
