Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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