Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
