At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
