Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
