My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
