Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
