Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
