The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
