So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
