It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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