I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
