Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
