you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
