My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
