I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
