Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
