i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize