I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
