if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
