i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
