just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize