i already hear my dad disowning me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
