I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
