I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
