just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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