I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
