Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
