I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
