The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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