im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
