Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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