It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
