Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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