if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Sober January is a disaster.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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